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I would love to have gone to Yale University… 150 150 mhamer

I would love to have gone to Yale University…

Why does famous funnyman Jimmy Cricket wish he had attended Yale University?

His jokey answer is below – and there are lots more hilarious one-liners here for you to enjoy.

Popular comedian Jimmy Cricket keeps all his fans and followers laughing with quickfire jokes regularly posted on Twitter.

Funnyman Jimmy Cricket tells regular jokes online

Here are some of his latest for you to enjoy.

I’m working on bringing a performing tortoise into the act… he was a bit shy at first but now he’s coming out of his shell!

I was on with a comedian recently who pinched one of my lines: “Good evening ladies and gentlemen.” I told him in no uncertain terms that I’ve been using that line for years.

I’ve just rang a man called George Wright and got a wrong number. Then, when I rang him again, I got another wrong number… it only goes to prove that two wrongs don’t make a Wright!

It’s good to hear Ed Sheeran won his court case… I had one of my tunes pinched once… and it was the last one in the packet.

Remember if you play beach volleyball with someone and they cheat, you have to draw a line in the sand!

Remember, if you want to live longer, find out where you’re going to die and stay away from there.

I was in a restaurant last night and they couldn’t even afford to have salt on the tables… I tell you everyone’s feeling the pinch!

Hurricane Higgins

Yesterday I had a barney with a new pair of shoes… I guess we just got off on the wrong foot!

I would have loved to have gone to Yale University… I’m sure it would have opened a few doors for me.

I saw an unusual football match in the park this morning between two teams of traffic wardens… it was all square after extra time so it went to fixed penalties.

What about Storm Eunice and Storm Dudley? When I was home in Northern Ireland in the seventies, we had this ferocious storm that blew all the snooker balls off the tables… it was called Hurricane Higgins!

We’ve all been asked to be on the lookout for an escaped convict who keeps driving through red lights… police say he’ll stop at nothing!

I’ve just read my electricity bill; It was a terrifying sight. I used to be scared of the dark – now I’m frightened of the light.

I was in a very busy car park yesterday. All the cars were parked nose to nose… I’ve never seen so many nosy parkers.

Read more of Jimmy’s jokes here!

Also, keep up to date with everything he’s doing and saying at https://twitter.com/jimmy__cricket

Happy Easter to all my followers and friends! 150 150 mhamer

Happy Easter to all my followers and friends!

Jimmy Cricket has sent a happy Easter message on his social media accounts.

The popular entertainer posted the seasonal picture below to all his friends and followers on Twitter and Facebook.

Happy Easter to all my Twitter and Facebook friends! x

Follow Jimmy on Twitter here

See his Facebook profile page

Also read on this website: Special Easter celebration cruise features TV legends

I’ll never forget the day I got the job selling Kleenex tissues… 150 150 mhamer

I’ll never forget the day I got the job selling Kleenex tissues…

What did the boss tell Jimmy Cricket the day he got a job selling Kleenex tissues… ?

Read below to get the answer to this gag – and there are plenty more one-liners here for you to enjoy.

Ever-green comic Jimmy Cricket keeps all his fans and followers laughing with a regular joke posted on Twitter.

Funnyman Jimmy Cricket tells regular jokes online

And below are some more his latest quips for you to enjoy.

I was in a restaurant last night and the waitress gave me the wrong meal. It was meant for a GP on the next table. Afterwards, she said “Did you enjoy it?” I said: “Oh yes, it was just what the doctor ordered!”

I was in this pub and a fella came up holding a tabloid newspaper over his head and swearing. He called me every name under the sun!

I’d only been in this restaurant a few minutes when a prawn cocktail hit me on the back of the head. When I turned round there was a big, tough-looking fella there. He said: “That’s just for starters!”

Things are tough in showbiz these days and you have to grasp every opportunity… I rang up directory enquiries and the voice said: “Your call may be recorded.” So I sang two songs and now I’m waiting for the CD!

You know the way if some people have coffee they can’t sleep. I’m the exact opposite… if I’m asleep I can’t have coffee.

I’ll never forget the day I got the job selling Kleenex tissues… the boss said I would go far if I kept my nose clean.

Energy bills are soaring, but I’ve got a great way to cut down on electricity… I only plug the electric clock in when I want to know the time.

I knew a man who lost an ear and the hospital transplanted on a pig’s ear. After the operation they let him listen to the radio on his earphones. He said: “Doctor, in that new ear there’s a bit of crackling!”

And there’s more…

I’ve just been to a restaurant that had a very rude waiter… I asked for a leg of mutton and he gave me the cold shoulder.

I’ve just been to see that new movie about a hurricane… it blew me away.

If it had have been three wise women that first Christmas – they would have arrived five minutes early, made sure the gifts were double wrapped, helped deliver the baby, cleaned out the stable, cooked a casserole and there would be peace on earth.

I’ve just been to Specsavers… what an experience. It was a real eye opener.

When you and your partner have the same taste in shoes, then you know you’re soul mates.

Read more of Jimmy’s jokes here!

Also, keep up to date with everything he’s doing and saying at https://twitter.com/jimmy__cricket

There’s more… what sound does a witch make when she drives off? 150 150 mhamer

There’s more… what sound does a witch make when she drives off?

What sound does a witch make when she drives off?

You’ll find the answer below – and there are plenty more one-liners for you to enjoy.

Popular Northern Irish comedian Jimmy Cricket keeps all his fans and followers entertained with a regular joke posted on Twitter.

Funnyman Jimmy Cricket tells regular jokes online

Here’s another selection of his latest quips for you to enjoy…

I’ve just found out that 50% of anglers are using the wrong fishing bait… if this gets out it could open a can of worms!

It’s great getting older… you get to see what happens next.

I took a parcel into the post office and the fella behind the counter weighed it… he said: “This is too heavy, you need another stamp.” I said: “Another stamp will make it even heavier!”

The man that runs the local shoe repairs shop hasn’t been feeling too well lately… but I’m happy to say he’s on the mend!

Blackpool is one of the cleanest of our seaside resorts… even the seagulls use the public toilets.

Our window cleaner has got the whole street sown up… nobody else can get a look in!

I’ve just seen a very rare painting of Chief Sitting Bull… it’s the only one where he’s standing up!

Last night I ate my pillow, this morning I munched on a cushion and tomorrow I’m going to gorge out on my sofa… you just can’t beat comfort food.

Okay followers, come closer. How’s this one…. what sound does a witch make when she drives off? Broom! Broom!

I hope the chancellor puts money into small businesses and the housing sector. It’ll mean window cleaners will be able to get on the property ladder.

I told my friend it was a mistake to have plastic surgery. It was as plain as the nose on his forehead.

James Bond once had a lucky escape from an earthquake! He was shaken but not stirred.

They’ve asked me to do a reality programme about a group of people sharing a boat on a canal… I told them I wouldn’t touch it with a barge pole.

See more of funnyman Jimmy’s jokes and keep up to date with everything he’s doing at https://twitter.com/jimmy__cricket

Also read – From the archives: Jimmy the Butlin’s camp comic!

 

Never play Monopoly with a boxer… more Twitter one-liners 150 150 mhamer

Never play Monopoly with a boxer… more Twitter one-liners

Funnyman Jimmy Cricket tells regular jokes online

Why should you never play Monopoly with a boxer… ?

Comic Jimmy Cricket reveals the reason in his latest series of one-liners.

The ever-green entertainer regularly posts jokes on social media to amuse all his fans and friends.

Here is another selection of Jimmy’s latest gags – including the light-hearted answer to the Monopoly question.

I know why Houdini was such a great escapologist… he had a get-out clause in his act.

I’ve just been offered a politically correct version of the pantomime Snow White… in it, the seven little fellas come on singing: “Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, it’s off to woke we go!”

When my Uncle Tom woke up and found that all the hay had been pinched from his barn, he said: “That’s the last straw!”

I’ll never forget the time I wrote a book on wrestling. On the way to the publisher I slipped twice. That was the day I had 2 falls and a submission.

So I was driving along and I saw this fella broke down by the side of the road. I said: “What’s the trouble?” He said: “I’ve run out of petrol.” I said: “Well, I’ve got a full tank, follow me!

Little Bo Peep has shortened her name… oh aye, you’d be hard put to get a peep out of her these days.

Folks I’ve got this theory and I’d like to share it with you… come closer, you know all those reckless drivers that weave in and out of traffic… I think they’re all heading to the same pub… the Cutters Inn!!!

Learning to fry an egg

Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the railway track… because he wanted to lay it on the line.

I’ll never forget the time I sent a birthday card to Neil Armstrong… he was over the moon!

It took me ages to learn to fry an egg… then I finally cracked it!

Never play Monopoly with a boxer… he’ll only knock your block off!!

I was in a restaurant yesterday and I just couldn’t decide which fish to have from the menu… I was caught between a rock and a hard plaice!

See more of funnyman Jimmy’s jokes and keep up to date with everything he’s doing at https://twitter.com/jimmy__cricket

Also read – From the archives: Jimmy the Butlin’s camp comic!

 

More Twitter fun from your favourite comedian! 150 150 mhamer

More Twitter fun from your favourite comedian!

Funnyman Jimmy Cricket tells regular jokes onlineHere are some more of those hilarious one-liners from famous funnyman Jimmy Cricket.

The popular Northern Irish comedian regularly posts jokes on social media to entertain fans and friends.

And the following is a selection of Jimmy’s latest gags from his Twitter account.

Lots of fish can’t believe it when they’re caught… Some of them are gutted.

Movies about hurricanes leave me cold!

I’ve heard that occasionally Thomas the Tank Engine would lose his temper…that’s not such a bad thing, it’s good to let steam off every now and then.

Never have a barney with an octopus…You’ll only have him up in arms!

Two television weathermen had a barney in the pub. One accused the other of stealing his thunder!

I feel sorry for the people of Jersey….If President Macron cuts off their electricity, they’re going to have to watch the tele in the dark.

I don’t always talk about space exploration… Maybe once in a blue moon.

I’ve just got a new fridge!… How cool is that?

The plot thickens!

It’s okay for Boris to say we can hug each other again, but I’ve just hugged the blonde lady who lives down the road and she slapped my face!

I think Barbie should marry Ken. I mean where could she find another fella like that? He’s out of the top drawer.

I think the Beeb should hire more ex-football referees… That way the public would see they’re not afraid to employ whistleblowers.

I worked for a bad tempered photographer once. Every time he got mad he would throw the camera at me… I still get flashbacks.

I’ve just written a play about a man who keeps emptying a small portion of soil into his neighbour’s allotment every day… As the story unfolds, the plot thickens!

Read more of funnyman Jimmy’s jokes and keep up to date with everything he’s doing at https://twitter.com/jimmy__cricket

Also read – From the archives: Jimmy the Butlin’s camp comic!

From the archives: Secret service sketch from TV series 150 150 mhamer

From the archives: Secret service sketch from TV series

Jimmy Cricket has been posting more sketches from his 1980s TV series.

Jimmy Cricket has highlighted another sketch from his 1980s TV series on social media.

Central Television hosted And There’s More.

The famous Northern Irish comedian linked to the latest sketch in which he plays a hapless secret service agent called Wally!

Wally is shown to his hotel room by a hotel porter.

He receives a message which he thinks is in code, until the porter points out the piece of paper is upside down.

Wally gives it to the porter to read and it begins: “On no account, let the hotel porter see this note!”

And so he immediately grabs it back off her.

Watch the full sketch on Jimmy’s Twitter account here.

He said on social media: “Hi folks! Editing snippets from, And There’s More, series for the website.

“Thought I would share this one with you, for all those who miss sketch shows on the telly.

“This one is for you! #savethearts.”

Jimmy became a household name with And There’s More, which ran for a total of three years between 1985 and 1988.

Keep an eye on the homepage of this website for more sketches from And There’s More.

Watch series two episode four of And There’s More

Also read: Brian Conley among special guests in 1980s TV show