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jokes

King Charles III, Royal Mint & Jimmy’s birthday 150 150 mhamer

King Charles III, Royal Mint & Jimmy’s birthday

Jimmy Cricket tells regular jokes onlineKing Charles III, the Royal Mint and even his own birthday have been among the subject matter in some of Jimmy Cricket’s latest one-liners posted on Twitter.

Popular comedian Jimmy regularly tells jokes on the social media channel to entertain fans and friends.

And, in case you missed them, here are some of those the ever-green Northern Irish entertainer has published over the past few months.

Well folks… today I’m 77 – Click! Click! Sunset Strip! So, what’s the matter with having a few extra wrinkles, I love wrinkly chips, don’t I?

I’ve heard King Charles won’t be getting his crown until next year… that shows you how hard it is to get an appointment with the dentist these days.

If the government do put a tax on sweets, it’ll prove they’re fudging the issue.

I sat beside a transplant surgeon on the train recently… he was a man after my own heart.

I’ve just heard the staff at the Royal Mint are going on strike… to make less money.  

That’s why I enjoy feeding the ducks in the park… at least their bills don’t keep getting bigger.

I feel sorry for anyone called Matt… people walk all over them.

Tea towels

I’ve found a great way to cut down on my electricity bill… I only plug the electric clock in when I want to know the time.

I had a job once printing initials on tea towels… I really made a name for myself!

I’ve finally found a way to stop the birds pecking at the milk bottles… I’ve locked the gate so they can’t get up the drive.

Never buy air conditioning straight away… make sure there’s a cooling-off period.

I’ve found a great way to keep energy bills down… a paper clip!

The new Elvis movie proves that Colonel Parker had a nose for talent; in fact, he was a right nosey parker!

Read more of Jimmy’s jokes and keep up to date with everything he’s doing at https://twitter.com/jimmy__cricket

Also read – From the archives: Jimmy the Butlin’s camp comic!

UK heatwave: Cool down with some of Jimmy’s jokes! 150 150 mhamer

UK heatwave: Cool down with some of Jimmy’s jokes!

We hope you’re all coping OK with the record-breaking heatwave that people in the UK and other parts of Europe are currently enduring.

The UK’s record temperature was broken on Tuesday afternoon when it reached 40.3C in Coningsby in Lincolnshire.

The figure surpassed the peak of 40.2C recorded at Heathrow earlier in the day.

Here is another selection of Jimmy Cricket’s jokes to hopefully help you through the long, hot days!

Popular comedian Jimmy keeps all his fans and followers laughing with quickfire jokes regularly posted on social media.

Funnyman Jimmy Cricket tells regular jokes online

Here are some of his latest one-liners for you to enjoy.

When I was growing up in Ireland, I’d only ever seen the Queen on a postage stamp. So, the very first time I met Her Majesty, I tried to lick the side of her face.

We don’t get the train service. I rang up the railway station. I said: “What time does the next train go to London?” He said: “Look it up online.” I mean, how dangerous is that?

So the barber says to me: “Would you like your hair cut round the back?” I said: “Is there no room in the shop?”

My new sat nav is amazing; yesterday I was passing a zoo and she said: “Bear left.”

The phone in the bedroom of my hotel went off at 7am this morning. The caller said: “Get up, and go out and tear down the nearest statue with anyone who has links to the slave trade.” It was a woke-up call!!

I’ll never forget when our local postman popped his clogs – we put an extra-large stamp on his coffin and gave him a good send off!

When you start to cook a fry-up, you’re never sure how it will pan out.

I don’t like my new boxer shorts… every time I put them in the washing machine, they keep fighting with my pyjamas.

Well, it’s local elections day… I wonder if I vote for Boris will he invite me to one of his parties!?

Remember folks, if you want to live the life of Riley, make sure Riley’s not looking when you pinch his credit card.

I told the doctor I wasn’t well and he told me to have a jump on a trampoline. I said “Will that help?” He said “Oh, you’ll soon bounce back!”

Read more of Jimmy’s jokes here!

Also, keep up to date with everything he’s doing and saying at https://twitter.com/jimmy__cricket

Stay safe in the hot weather, folks, and look after each other!

I would love to have gone to Yale University… 150 150 mhamer

I would love to have gone to Yale University…

Why does famous funnyman Jimmy Cricket wish he had attended Yale University?

His jokey answer is below – and there are lots more hilarious one-liners here for you to enjoy.

Popular comedian Jimmy Cricket keeps all his fans and followers laughing with quickfire jokes regularly posted on Twitter.

Funnyman Jimmy Cricket tells regular jokes online

Here are some of his latest for you to enjoy.

I’m working on bringing a performing tortoise into the act… he was a bit shy at first but now he’s coming out of his shell!

I was on with a comedian recently who pinched one of my lines: “Good evening ladies and gentlemen.” I told him in no uncertain terms that I’ve been using that line for years.

I’ve just rang a man called George Wright and got a wrong number. Then, when I rang him again, I got another wrong number… it only goes to prove that two wrongs don’t make a Wright!

It’s good to hear Ed Sheeran won his court case… I had one of my tunes pinched once… and it was the last one in the packet.

Remember if you play beach volleyball with someone and they cheat, you have to draw a line in the sand!

Remember, if you want to live longer, find out where you’re going to die and stay away from there.

I was in a restaurant last night and they couldn’t even afford to have salt on the tables… I tell you everyone’s feeling the pinch!

Hurricane Higgins

Yesterday I had a barney with a new pair of shoes… I guess we just got off on the wrong foot!

I would have loved to have gone to Yale University… I’m sure it would have opened a few doors for me.

I saw an unusual football match in the park this morning between two teams of traffic wardens… it was all square after extra time so it went to fixed penalties.

What about Storm Eunice and Storm Dudley? When I was home in Northern Ireland in the seventies, we had this ferocious storm that blew all the snooker balls off the tables… it was called Hurricane Higgins!

We’ve all been asked to be on the lookout for an escaped convict who keeps driving through red lights… police say he’ll stop at nothing!

I’ve just read my electricity bill; It was a terrifying sight. I used to be scared of the dark – now I’m frightened of the light.

I was in a very busy car park yesterday. All the cars were parked nose to nose… I’ve never seen so many nosy parkers.

Read more of Jimmy’s jokes here!

Also, keep up to date with everything he’s doing and saying at https://twitter.com/jimmy__cricket

I’ll never forget the day I got the job selling Kleenex tissues… 150 150 mhamer

I’ll never forget the day I got the job selling Kleenex tissues…

What did the boss tell Jimmy Cricket the day he got a job selling Kleenex tissues… ?

Read below to get the answer to this gag – and there are plenty more one-liners here for you to enjoy.

Ever-green comic Jimmy Cricket keeps all his fans and followers laughing with a regular joke posted on Twitter.

Funnyman Jimmy Cricket tells regular jokes online

And below are some more his latest quips for you to enjoy.

I was in a restaurant last night and the waitress gave me the wrong meal. It was meant for a GP on the next table. Afterwards, she said “Did you enjoy it?” I said: “Oh yes, it was just what the doctor ordered!”

I was in this pub and a fella came up holding a tabloid newspaper over his head and swearing. He called me every name under the sun!

I’d only been in this restaurant a few minutes when a prawn cocktail hit me on the back of the head. When I turned round there was a big, tough-looking fella there. He said: “That’s just for starters!”

Things are tough in showbiz these days and you have to grasp every opportunity… I rang up directory enquiries and the voice said: “Your call may be recorded.” So I sang two songs and now I’m waiting for the CD!

You know the way if some people have coffee they can’t sleep. I’m the exact opposite… if I’m asleep I can’t have coffee.

I’ll never forget the day I got the job selling Kleenex tissues… the boss said I would go far if I kept my nose clean.

Energy bills are soaring, but I’ve got a great way to cut down on electricity… I only plug the electric clock in when I want to know the time.

I knew a man who lost an ear and the hospital transplanted on a pig’s ear. After the operation they let him listen to the radio on his earphones. He said: “Doctor, in that new ear there’s a bit of crackling!”

And there’s more…

I’ve just been to a restaurant that had a very rude waiter… I asked for a leg of mutton and he gave me the cold shoulder.

I’ve just been to see that new movie about a hurricane… it blew me away.

If it had have been three wise women that first Christmas – they would have arrived five minutes early, made sure the gifts were double wrapped, helped deliver the baby, cleaned out the stable, cooked a casserole and there would be peace on earth.

I’ve just been to Specsavers… what an experience. It was a real eye opener.

When you and your partner have the same taste in shoes, then you know you’re soul mates.

Read more of Jimmy’s jokes here!

Also, keep up to date with everything he’s doing and saying at https://twitter.com/jimmy__cricket

There’s more… what sound does a witch make when she drives off? 150 150 mhamer

There’s more… what sound does a witch make when she drives off?

What sound does a witch make when she drives off?

You’ll find the answer below – and there are plenty more one-liners for you to enjoy.

Popular Northern Irish comedian Jimmy Cricket keeps all his fans and followers entertained with a regular joke posted on Twitter.

Funnyman Jimmy Cricket tells regular jokes online

Here’s another selection of his latest quips for you to enjoy…

I’ve just found out that 50% of anglers are using the wrong fishing bait… if this gets out it could open a can of worms!

It’s great getting older… you get to see what happens next.

I took a parcel into the post office and the fella behind the counter weighed it… he said: “This is too heavy, you need another stamp.” I said: “Another stamp will make it even heavier!”

The man that runs the local shoe repairs shop hasn’t been feeling too well lately… but I’m happy to say he’s on the mend!

Blackpool is one of the cleanest of our seaside resorts… even the seagulls use the public toilets.

Our window cleaner has got the whole street sown up… nobody else can get a look in!

I’ve just seen a very rare painting of Chief Sitting Bull… it’s the only one where he’s standing up!

Last night I ate my pillow, this morning I munched on a cushion and tomorrow I’m going to gorge out on my sofa… you just can’t beat comfort food.

Okay followers, come closer. How’s this one…. what sound does a witch make when she drives off? Broom! Broom!

I hope the chancellor puts money into small businesses and the housing sector. It’ll mean window cleaners will be able to get on the property ladder.

I told my friend it was a mistake to have plastic surgery. It was as plain as the nose on his forehead.

James Bond once had a lucky escape from an earthquake! He was shaken but not stirred.

They’ve asked me to do a reality programme about a group of people sharing a boat on a canal… I told them I wouldn’t touch it with a barge pole.

See more of funnyman Jimmy’s jokes and keep up to date with everything he’s doing at https://twitter.com/jimmy__cricket

Also read – From the archives: Jimmy the Butlin’s camp comic!

 

Never play Monopoly with a boxer… more Twitter one-liners 150 150 mhamer

Never play Monopoly with a boxer… more Twitter one-liners

Funnyman Jimmy Cricket tells regular jokes online

Why should you never play Monopoly with a boxer… ?

Comic Jimmy Cricket reveals the reason in his latest series of one-liners.

The ever-green entertainer regularly posts jokes on social media to amuse all his fans and friends.

Here is another selection of Jimmy’s latest gags – including the light-hearted answer to the Monopoly question.

I know why Houdini was such a great escapologist… he had a get-out clause in his act.

I’ve just been offered a politically correct version of the pantomime Snow White… in it, the seven little fellas come on singing: “Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, it’s off to woke we go!”

When my Uncle Tom woke up and found that all the hay had been pinched from his barn, he said: “That’s the last straw!”

I’ll never forget the time I wrote a book on wrestling. On the way to the publisher I slipped twice. That was the day I had 2 falls and a submission.

So I was driving along and I saw this fella broke down by the side of the road. I said: “What’s the trouble?” He said: “I’ve run out of petrol.” I said: “Well, I’ve got a full tank, follow me!

Little Bo Peep has shortened her name… oh aye, you’d be hard put to get a peep out of her these days.

Folks I’ve got this theory and I’d like to share it with you… come closer, you know all those reckless drivers that weave in and out of traffic… I think they’re all heading to the same pub… the Cutters Inn!!!

Learning to fry an egg

Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the railway track… because he wanted to lay it on the line.

I’ll never forget the time I sent a birthday card to Neil Armstrong… he was over the moon!

It took me ages to learn to fry an egg… then I finally cracked it!

Never play Monopoly with a boxer… he’ll only knock your block off!!

I was in a restaurant yesterday and I just couldn’t decide which fish to have from the menu… I was caught between a rock and a hard plaice!

See more of funnyman Jimmy’s jokes and keep up to date with everything he’s doing at https://twitter.com/jimmy__cricket

Also read – From the archives: Jimmy the Butlin’s camp comic!

 

Global warming & Fox’s Glacier Mints – more Jimmy jokes 150 150 mhamer

Global warming & Fox’s Glacier Mints – more Jimmy jokes

Funnyman Jimmy Cricket tells regular jokes onlineGlobal warming is one of the subjects tackled humorously by comic Jimmy Cricket in his latest series of one-liners.

The ever-green entertainer regularly posts jokes on social media to amuse all his fans and friends.

Here is another selection of Jimmy’s latest gags.

Wow! A slice of Charles’ and Diana’s wedding cake sold for £1,850. That’s amazing… I wonder do you get a cup of tea with it?

I’m thinking of entering my Uncle Patrick in the next Olympic Games in Paris… Whenever he bangs his thumb, there’s nobody throws a hammer further than he does.

That was amazing to see 13-year-old Sky Brown win a medal at the Tokyo Olympics… Next thing you know they’ll be having a baby event to see who can throw their nappy the farthest!

When I found out we had more opticians in the UK than anywhere else in Europe, it was a real eye opener.

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos has just headed off in a rocket into outer space… It’s a long way to go to deliver a package!

I’ve just seen a very unusual football match in the park. Wait for this, two teams of traffic wardens… It was all square after extra time so it went to fixed penalties.

Our postman fell today… he took a bit of a knock.

Ever since they closed the salt factory we’ve all been feeling the pinch.

I still think Humpty Dumpty was a good stand-up comedian even though he was a bit off the wall.

I’ve just sent off for a new hearing aid and now I’m waiting to hear back.

This global warming is getting serious… I’ve just bought a packet of Fox’s Glacier Mints in the shop and when I got them home, they were melted!

See more of funnyman Jimmy’s jokes and keep up to date with everything he’s doing at https://twitter.com/jimmy__cricket

Also read – From the archives: Jimmy the Butlin’s camp comic!