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jokes

There’s more… what sound does a witch make when she drives off? 150 150 mhamer

There’s more… what sound does a witch make when she drives off?

What sound does a witch make when she drives off?

You’ll find the answer below – and there are plenty more one-liners for you to enjoy.

Popular Northern Irish comedian Jimmy Cricket keeps all his fans and followers entertained with a regular joke posted on Twitter.

Funnyman Jimmy Cricket tells regular jokes online

Here’s another selection of his latest quips for you to enjoy…

I’ve just found out that 50% of anglers are using the wrong fishing bait… if this gets out it could open a can of worms!

It’s great getting older… you get to see what happens next.

I took a parcel into the post office and the fella behind the counter weighed it… he said: “This is too heavy, you need another stamp.” I said: “Another stamp will make it even heavier!”

The man that runs the local shoe repairs shop hasn’t been feeling too well lately… but I’m happy to say he’s on the mend!

Blackpool is one of the cleanest of our seaside resorts… even the seagulls use the public toilets.

Our window cleaner has got the whole street sown up… nobody else can get a look in!

I’ve just seen a very rare painting of Chief Sitting Bull… it’s the only one where he’s standing up!

Last night I ate my pillow, this morning I munched on a cushion and tomorrow I’m going to gorge out on my sofa… you just can’t beat comfort food.

Okay followers, come closer. How’s this one…. what sound does a witch make when she drives off? Broom! Broom!

I hope the chancellor puts money into small businesses and the housing sector. It’ll mean window cleaners will be able to get on the property ladder.

I told my friend it was a mistake to have plastic surgery. It was as plain as the nose on his forehead.

James Bond once had a lucky escape from an earthquake! He was shaken but not stirred.

They’ve asked me to do a reality programme about a group of people sharing a boat on a canal… I told them I wouldn’t touch it with a barge pole.

See more of funnyman Jimmy’s jokes and keep up to date with everything he’s doing at https://twitter.com/jimmy__cricket

Also read – From the archives: Jimmy the Butlin’s camp comic!

 

Never play Monopoly with a boxer… more Twitter one-liners 150 150 mhamer

Never play Monopoly with a boxer… more Twitter one-liners

Funnyman Jimmy Cricket tells regular jokes online

Why should you never play Monopoly with a boxer… ?

Comic Jimmy Cricket reveals the reason in his latest series of one-liners.

The ever-green entertainer regularly posts jokes on social media to amuse all his fans and friends.

Here is another selection of Jimmy’s latest gags – including the light-hearted answer to the Monopoly question.

I know why Houdini was such a great escapologist… he had a get-out clause in his act.

I’ve just been offered a politically correct version of the pantomime Snow White… in it, the seven little fellas come on singing: “Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, it’s off to woke we go!”

When my Uncle Tom woke up and found that all the hay had been pinched from his barn, he said: “That’s the last straw!”

I’ll never forget the time I wrote a book on wrestling. On the way to the publisher I slipped twice. That was the day I had 2 falls and a submission.

So I was driving along and I saw this fella broke down by the side of the road. I said: “What’s the trouble?” He said: “I’ve run out of petrol.” I said: “Well, I’ve got a full tank, follow me!

Little Bo Peep has shortened her name… oh aye, you’d be hard put to get a peep out of her these days.

Folks I’ve got this theory and I’d like to share it with you… come closer, you know all those reckless drivers that weave in and out of traffic… I think they’re all heading to the same pub… the Cutters Inn!!!

Learning to fry an egg

Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the railway track… because he wanted to lay it on the line.

I’ll never forget the time I sent a birthday card to Neil Armstrong… he was over the moon!

It took me ages to learn to fry an egg… then I finally cracked it!

Never play Monopoly with a boxer… he’ll only knock your block off!!

I was in a restaurant yesterday and I just couldn’t decide which fish to have from the menu… I was caught between a rock and a hard plaice!

See more of funnyman Jimmy’s jokes and keep up to date with everything he’s doing at https://twitter.com/jimmy__cricket

Also read – From the archives: Jimmy the Butlin’s camp comic!

 

Global warming & Fox’s Glacier Mints – more Jimmy jokes 150 150 mhamer

Global warming & Fox’s Glacier Mints – more Jimmy jokes

Funnyman Jimmy Cricket tells regular jokes onlineGlobal warming is one of the subjects tackled humorously by comic Jimmy Cricket in his latest series of one-liners.

The ever-green entertainer regularly posts jokes on social media to amuse all his fans and friends.

Here is another selection of Jimmy’s latest gags.

Wow! A slice of Charles’ and Diana’s wedding cake sold for £1,850. That’s amazing… I wonder do you get a cup of tea with it?

I’m thinking of entering my Uncle Patrick in the next Olympic Games in Paris… Whenever he bangs his thumb, there’s nobody throws a hammer further than he does.

That was amazing to see 13-year-old Sky Brown win a medal at the Tokyo Olympics… Next thing you know they’ll be having a baby event to see who can throw their nappy the farthest!

When I found out we had more opticians in the UK than anywhere else in Europe, it was a real eye opener.

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos has just headed off in a rocket into outer space… It’s a long way to go to deliver a package!

I’ve just seen a very unusual football match in the park. Wait for this, two teams of traffic wardens… It was all square after extra time so it went to fixed penalties.

Our postman fell today… he took a bit of a knock.

Ever since they closed the salt factory we’ve all been feeling the pinch.

I still think Humpty Dumpty was a good stand-up comedian even though he was a bit off the wall.

I’ve just sent off for a new hearing aid and now I’m waiting to hear back.

This global warming is getting serious… I’ve just bought a packet of Fox’s Glacier Mints in the shop and when I got them home, they were melted!

See more of funnyman Jimmy’s jokes and keep up to date with everything he’s doing at https://twitter.com/jimmy__cricket

Also read – From the archives: Jimmy the Butlin’s camp comic!

More Twitter fun from your favourite comedian! 150 150 mhamer

More Twitter fun from your favourite comedian!

Funnyman Jimmy Cricket tells regular jokes onlineHere are some more of those hilarious one-liners from famous funnyman Jimmy Cricket.

The popular Northern Irish comedian regularly posts jokes on social media to entertain fans and friends.

And the following is a selection of Jimmy’s latest gags from his Twitter account.

Lots of fish can’t believe it when they’re caught… Some of them are gutted.

Movies about hurricanes leave me cold!

I’ve heard that occasionally Thomas the Tank Engine would lose his temper…that’s not such a bad thing, it’s good to let steam off every now and then.

Never have a barney with an octopus…You’ll only have him up in arms!

Two television weathermen had a barney in the pub. One accused the other of stealing his thunder!

I feel sorry for the people of Jersey….If President Macron cuts off their electricity, they’re going to have to watch the tele in the dark.

I don’t always talk about space exploration… Maybe once in a blue moon.

I’ve just got a new fridge!… How cool is that?

The plot thickens!

It’s okay for Boris to say we can hug each other again, but I’ve just hugged the blonde lady who lives down the road and she slapped my face!

I think Barbie should marry Ken. I mean where could she find another fella like that? He’s out of the top drawer.

I think the Beeb should hire more ex-football referees… That way the public would see they’re not afraid to employ whistleblowers.

I worked for a bad tempered photographer once. Every time he got mad he would throw the camera at me… I still get flashbacks.

I’ve just written a play about a man who keeps emptying a small portion of soil into his neighbour’s allotment every day… As the story unfolds, the plot thickens!

Read more of funnyman Jimmy’s jokes and keep up to date with everything he’s doing at https://twitter.com/jimmy__cricket

Also read – From the archives: Jimmy the Butlin’s camp comic!

Come closer, there’s more… Twitter jokes from Jimmy 150 150 mhamer

Come closer, there’s more… Twitter jokes from Jimmy

Jimmy Cricket tells regular jokes online

Famous funnyman Jimmy Cricket regularly posts jokes on social media to entertain fans and friends.

And here are a few of those the popular Northern Irishman has posted on Twitter recently.

It’s been a tough 12 months for businesses….I’ve just heard the company that makes Alka-Seltzer has been dissolved….the firm that makes food mixers has gone into liquidation…Are you ready for the third?..The shop that sells aqua equipment has just gone under!!!

Don’t worry if you can’t get to the hairdressers today…. ….You can always catch the highlights later on in the week!

I’m just writing a play about Thomas Edison…. The action takes place before he invented the light bulb, so its going to be a dark piece.

Even though the lockdown is easing, I think we need to be careful. I still don’t feed the pigeons in the park….Some of them could be carriers!!

I’ve always wanted to swop jobs with a window cleaner for a day…It’s on my bucket list.

I know why we don’t see bald eagles….. Because the hairdressers are still closed.

I think social media is ideal for train spotters….Well, it gives them a platform.

I think when we do get back to normal, ventriloquists should be the first acts allowed to perform…Especially if the dummy wears a mask.

Well, I’ve worked out a road map for my career. The only thing is emmm…. I’m in a wee bit of a cul-de-sac at the moment.

Read more of Jimmy’s jokes and keep up to date with everything he’s doing at https://twitter.com/jimmy__cricket

Also read – From the archives: Jimmy the Butlin’s camp comic!

Come closer folks – more jokes from Jimmy 150 150 mhamer

Come closer folks – more jokes from Jimmy

Jimmy Cricket has continued to keep our spirits up during the ongoing coronavirus restrictions.

In the run-in to Christmas and over the festive period, Jimmy used social media to keep those topical jokes coming!

Here are some of his funny one-liners:

When the lockdown kicked in, I started walking two miles every day. Yesterday I arrived in Aberdeen.

I’ve just attended a lockdown marriage on Zoom…..The wedding cake had four tiers!

Jimmy Cricket is just 10 away from completing a century of his special daily video messages.

It’s a shame you’re only allowed one bubble for each household. I was looking forward to having a bath on Christmas Day.

We had a very safe Christmas dinner this year. Even the turkey wore a mask.

One thing about this virus, it helps you re-evaluate your priorities. For instance we don’t have to keep up with the Jones’s, cause the Jones’s are in lockdown like the rest of us.

It’s hard to get away from this virus – I used to wake up to the birds singing… now I hear them sneezing!

Things are so quiet at airports these days that the security people are searching each other.

The only thing bothers me about comedy drive-in shows is that if you get a tough heckler he might just keep bumping his horn.

Century mark

With the help of Mrs Cricket, Jimmy produced 100 daily video messages during the coronavirus restrictions last spring and summer.

The famous Northern Irish comedian hit the century mark in July.

He had been sending all his fans and friends togetherness posts each day as the world continued to fight coronavirus.

The UK government first announced on 23 March last year it was imposing strict new curbs on life in the UK.

Jimmy had been posting the videos on social media with the message: “We can do this together!”

Also read: Regular Twitter jokes told on video during during coronavirus pandemic

Coronavirus pandemic: We can do this together!

Watch video of Jimmy’s lockdown lament

Also read: Over and out as Cricket team hit century of videos

And there’s more… Twitter jokes from Jimmy 150 150 mhamer

And there’s more… Twitter jokes from Jimmy

Jimmy Cricket on Twitter

Jimmy Cricket, the well-known Northern Irish comedian, regularly uses social media to tell some of his famous one-liners.

And here is a selection of some he has posted on Twitter over the past few months.

Come closer folks… so I’m looking at a shrivelled-up fried egg on my plate and I’m thinking, you’re not what you’re cracked up to be!

They keep putting up give way signs. Where will it all end?

My uncle Patrick has fallen on his feet. He’s got a painting and decorating shop and he’s now selling Brexit wallpaper… it’s got a soft border!

People have their time in history. For instance, Alexander Graham Bell invented the phone, but if Thomas Edison hadn’t invented the light bulb before him he wouldn’t have been able to find it.

I’ve just been offered a job advertising sleeping bags… it’s all very hush hush at the moment.

So I said to Mrs Cricket:  Why do we need a new vacuum cleaner?” She said: “‘Cause the old one sucks!”

It was pouring down when we got to the pet shop yesterday. In fact, it was raining cats and dogs and guinea pigs!

I’ve got a bump on my head. It’s my own fault for trying to swim in the bath!

I love Dr Billy Graham’s quote about Heaven: “When they say I’ve died, don’t believe them. I haven’t died. I’ve just changed address.”

My cousin Rufus has got the sack from his job as a railway station master because of a complaint from a lady train driver… she said he’s been sending out the wrong signals!

Read more of Jimmy’s jokes and keep up to date with everything he’s doing at https://twitter.com/jimmy__cricket