Jimmy Cricket, the well-known Northern Irish comedian, regularly uses social media to tell some of his famous one-liners.
And here is a selection of some he has posted on Twitter over the past few months.
Come closer folks… so I’m looking at a shrivelled-up fried egg on my plate and I’m thinking, you’re not what you’re cracked up to be!
They keep putting up give way signs. Where will it all end?
My uncle Patrick has fallen on his feet. He’s got a painting and decorating shop and he’s now selling Brexit wallpaper… it’s got a soft border!
People have their time in history. For instance, Alexander Graham Bell invented the phone, but if Thomas Edison hadn’t invented the light bulb before him he wouldn’t have been able to find it.
I’ve just been offered a job advertising sleeping bags… it’s all very hush hush at the moment.
So I said to Mrs Cricket: Why do we need a new vacuum cleaner?” She said: “‘Cause the old one sucks!”
It was pouring down when we got to the pet shop yesterday. In fact, it was raining cats and dogs and guinea pigs!
I’ve got a bump on my head. It’s my own fault for trying to swim in the bath!
I love Dr Billy Graham’s quote about Heaven: “When they say I’ve died, don’t believe them. I haven’t died. I’ve just changed address.”
My cousin Rufus has got the sack from his job as a railway station master because of a complaint from a lady train driver… she said he’s been sending out the wrong signals!
Read more of Jimmy’s jokes and keep up to date with everything he’s doing at https://twitter.com/jimmy__cricket
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