I would love to have gone to Yale University…
Why does famous funnyman Jimmy Cricket wish he had attended Yale University?
His jokey answer is below – and there are lots more hilarious one-liners here for you to enjoy.
Popular comedian Jimmy Cricket keeps all his fans and followers laughing with quickfire jokes regularly posted on Twitter.
Here are some of his latest for you to enjoy.
I’m working on bringing a performing tortoise into the act… he was a bit shy at first but now he’s coming out of his shell!
I was on with a comedian recently who pinched one of my lines: “Good evening ladies and gentlemen.” I told him in no uncertain terms that I’ve been using that line for years.
I’ve just rang a man called George Wright and got a wrong number. Then, when I rang him again, I got another wrong number… it only goes to prove that two wrongs don’t make a Wright!
It’s good to hear Ed Sheeran won his court case… I had one of my tunes pinched once… and it was the last one in the packet.
Remember if you play beach volleyball with someone and they cheat, you have to draw a line in the sand!
Remember, if you want to live longer, find out where you’re going to die and stay away from there.
I was in a restaurant last night and they couldn’t even afford to have salt on the tables… I tell you everyone’s feeling the pinch!
Yesterday I had a barney with a new pair of shoes… I guess we just got off on the wrong foot!
I would have loved to have gone to Yale University… I’m sure it would have opened a few doors for me.
I saw an unusual football match in the park this morning between two teams of traffic wardens… it was all square after extra time so it went to fixed penalties.
What about Storm Eunice and Storm Dudley? When I was home in Northern Ireland in the seventies, we had this ferocious storm that blew all the snooker balls off the tables… it was called Hurricane Higgins!
We’ve all been asked to be on the lookout for an escaped convict who keeps driving through red lights… police say he’ll stop at nothing!
I’ve just read my electricity bill; It was a terrifying sight. I used to be scared of the dark – now I’m frightened of the light.
I was in a very busy car park yesterday. All the cars were parked nose to nose… I’ve never seen so many nosy parkers.
Also, keep up to date with everything he’s doing and saying at https://twitter.com/jimmy__cricket