Posts Tagged :

one-liners

I would love to have gone to Yale University… 150 150 mhamer

I would love to have gone to Yale University…

Why does famous funnyman Jimmy Cricket wish he had attended Yale University?

His jokey answer is below – and there are lots more hilarious one-liners here for you to enjoy.

Popular comedian Jimmy Cricket keeps all his fans and followers laughing with quickfire jokes regularly posted on Twitter.

Funnyman Jimmy Cricket tells regular jokes online

Here are some of his latest for you to enjoy.

I’m working on bringing a performing tortoise into the act… he was a bit shy at first but now he’s coming out of his shell!

I was on with a comedian recently who pinched one of my lines: “Good evening ladies and gentlemen.” I told him in no uncertain terms that I’ve been using that line for years.

I’ve just rang a man called George Wright and got a wrong number. Then, when I rang him again, I got another wrong number… it only goes to prove that two wrongs don’t make a Wright!

It’s good to hear Ed Sheeran won his court case… I had one of my tunes pinched once… and it was the last one in the packet.

Remember if you play beach volleyball with someone and they cheat, you have to draw a line in the sand!

Remember, if you want to live longer, find out where you’re going to die and stay away from there.

I was in a restaurant last night and they couldn’t even afford to have salt on the tables… I tell you everyone’s feeling the pinch!

Hurricane Higgins

Yesterday I had a barney with a new pair of shoes… I guess we just got off on the wrong foot!

I would have loved to have gone to Yale University… I’m sure it would have opened a few doors for me.

I saw an unusual football match in the park this morning between two teams of traffic wardens… it was all square after extra time so it went to fixed penalties.

What about Storm Eunice and Storm Dudley? When I was home in Northern Ireland in the seventies, we had this ferocious storm that blew all the snooker balls off the tables… it was called Hurricane Higgins!

We’ve all been asked to be on the lookout for an escaped convict who keeps driving through red lights… police say he’ll stop at nothing!

I’ve just read my electricity bill; It was a terrifying sight. I used to be scared of the dark – now I’m frightened of the light.

I was in a very busy car park yesterday. All the cars were parked nose to nose… I’ve never seen so many nosy parkers.

Read more of Jimmy’s jokes here!

Also, keep up to date with everything he’s doing and saying at https://twitter.com/jimmy__cricket

There’s more… what sound does a witch make when she drives off? 150 150 mhamer

There’s more… what sound does a witch make when she drives off?

What sound does a witch make when she drives off?

You’ll find the answer below – and there are plenty more one-liners for you to enjoy.

Popular Northern Irish comedian Jimmy Cricket keeps all his fans and followers entertained with a regular joke posted on Twitter.

Funnyman Jimmy Cricket tells regular jokes online

Here’s another selection of his latest quips for you to enjoy…

I’ve just found out that 50% of anglers are using the wrong fishing bait… if this gets out it could open a can of worms!

It’s great getting older… you get to see what happens next.

I took a parcel into the post office and the fella behind the counter weighed it… he said: “This is too heavy, you need another stamp.” I said: “Another stamp will make it even heavier!”

The man that runs the local shoe repairs shop hasn’t been feeling too well lately… but I’m happy to say he’s on the mend!

Blackpool is one of the cleanest of our seaside resorts… even the seagulls use the public toilets.

Our window cleaner has got the whole street sown up… nobody else can get a look in!

I’ve just seen a very rare painting of Chief Sitting Bull… it’s the only one where he’s standing up!

Last night I ate my pillow, this morning I munched on a cushion and tomorrow I’m going to gorge out on my sofa… you just can’t beat comfort food.

Okay followers, come closer. How’s this one…. what sound does a witch make when she drives off? Broom! Broom!

I hope the chancellor puts money into small businesses and the housing sector. It’ll mean window cleaners will be able to get on the property ladder.

I told my friend it was a mistake to have plastic surgery. It was as plain as the nose on his forehead.

James Bond once had a lucky escape from an earthquake! He was shaken but not stirred.

They’ve asked me to do a reality programme about a group of people sharing a boat on a canal… I told them I wouldn’t touch it with a barge pole.

See more of funnyman Jimmy’s jokes and keep up to date with everything he’s doing at https://twitter.com/jimmy__cricket

Also read – From the archives: Jimmy the Butlin’s camp comic!

 

Never play Monopoly with a boxer… more Twitter one-liners 150 150 mhamer

Never play Monopoly with a boxer… more Twitter one-liners

Funnyman Jimmy Cricket tells regular jokes online

Why should you never play Monopoly with a boxer… ?

Comic Jimmy Cricket reveals the reason in his latest series of one-liners.

The ever-green entertainer regularly posts jokes on social media to amuse all his fans and friends.

Here is another selection of Jimmy’s latest gags – including the light-hearted answer to the Monopoly question.

I know why Houdini was such a great escapologist… he had a get-out clause in his act.

I’ve just been offered a politically correct version of the pantomime Snow White… in it, the seven little fellas come on singing: “Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, it’s off to woke we go!”

When my Uncle Tom woke up and found that all the hay had been pinched from his barn, he said: “That’s the last straw!”

I’ll never forget the time I wrote a book on wrestling. On the way to the publisher I slipped twice. That was the day I had 2 falls and a submission.

So I was driving along and I saw this fella broke down by the side of the road. I said: “What’s the trouble?” He said: “I’ve run out of petrol.” I said: “Well, I’ve got a full tank, follow me!

Little Bo Peep has shortened her name… oh aye, you’d be hard put to get a peep out of her these days.

Folks I’ve got this theory and I’d like to share it with you… come closer, you know all those reckless drivers that weave in and out of traffic… I think they’re all heading to the same pub… the Cutters Inn!!!

Learning to fry an egg

Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the railway track… because he wanted to lay it on the line.

I’ll never forget the time I sent a birthday card to Neil Armstrong… he was over the moon!

It took me ages to learn to fry an egg… then I finally cracked it!

Never play Monopoly with a boxer… he’ll only knock your block off!!

I was in a restaurant yesterday and I just couldn’t decide which fish to have from the menu… I was caught between a rock and a hard plaice!

See more of funnyman Jimmy’s jokes and keep up to date with everything he’s doing at https://twitter.com/jimmy__cricket

Also read – From the archives: Jimmy the Butlin’s camp comic!